I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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