I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
