Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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