How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
