I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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