dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
