If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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