I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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