Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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