1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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