Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
