Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
