I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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