I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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