This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
