sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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