"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
