My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
