batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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