mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
