I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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