The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
