I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
