I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
