I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
too bad you live with your parents still
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
