There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
