I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
