He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
