When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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