Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
