I can tuck mytits in my pants
Welp...herpes.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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