if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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