My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
