He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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