I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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