Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize