i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
