I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
