Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
