I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize