My first STD was from a foam party
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
