I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
