I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
