Don't make out with my wife yet
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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