I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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