got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
