I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
