Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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