my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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