Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I use my feet as sexual weapons
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
