***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
