I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You ruined the universe
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
