i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
